Mark and I are meeting for coffee tomorrow, and the old me has emerged to work against myself in the midst of anticipating it, even though it's just coffee.
Noting what I was doing, Mark told me to not freak out or apologize anymore, be myself ... and relax.
When my immediate reaction was to say, "I don't relax," I realized that I'd somehow managed to lose sight of who I was in London. Who I am when I don't worry.
So, strangely, I went back and read "Consider Yourself," my OWN essay on the topic that I wrote when I was in London. And I found comfort from myself.
Then, I wrote Mark this:
I don't really feel like myself since I came back, which is more than a little bit maddening, and I didn't mean for my frustrations and insecurities to be obvious to you.
I get nervous. Even small things make me nervous. This debate goes on inside my head. And I obsess over stuff.
In London, I was different. If I wanted to do something, I did it. If I wanted to talk to someone, I spoke to them. I wasn't worried or intimidated or apologetic. Frankly, I found myself to be cooler there.
Now, I come back here and again feel like I don't fit. Or that I'm trying too hard. And people poke fun at me, and I don't relax about it. Or I remember my high school awkwardness or my college awkwardness.
I'm a really smart guy, I guess, but it drives me kinda nuts. Being back here after feeling better about myself somewhere else. Not knowing where I stand. Trying to meet new people on my own.
But I want to get back to who I was there. Even though I was only gone for a week.
It's not been an easy time for me, though it's not been a bad time ... and it's been a breeze compared to the week you've been having.
Tell me how you're doing. I haven't asked today.
Mark wrote back that I just need to ask myself, "Do I want to trust my process or someone else's?"
Apparently, this is a theme of his, for that's the name of his blog.
So I'm going to slow down, take a moment to breathe, trust my own process and be fine.
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