A situation that I discovered last night, involving Snapshot and the dinner on Saturday that he felt uncomfortable attending but couldn't tell me he felt uncomfortable attending (even when I asked him) so he lied to get out of it, has led me to wonder what the best course of action is to get people to give me the blunt, open honesty I ask for, rather than what they think is polite behavior.
The best thing I can think of doing, because I already ask for the blunt, open honesty (and people think that I want the truth sugar-coated anyway) is to write something about it here.
So here goes why I want blunt, open, even-if-it-hurts-my-feelings honesty. This is about Snapshot, I guess, but it's not for him. This is about all the people who realized too late that it's all right to tell me the truth, for they waited until things got out of hand. This is for the people who are still trying to figure out how to best deal with me. I write this out of respect and gratitude for those friends who've been able to work through problems with me by telling me that we had problems.
I am a paranoid. I overthink things. Anyone who doesn't realize this needs only to read this blog to figure it out. Occasionally, my instincts are right. Occasionally, because I'm a paranoid, I assume things are going wrong when they're not. My only defense, when this happens, is that I'm getting the open, blunt truth from people. If you keep things from me, hoping that I'll figure them out without you saying anything, I don't get the message, for the message you're sending to me gets filtered through this system in my head and comes up with infinite, crazy possibilities about what you're trying to say.
When I say I want open, blunt honesty even if it hurts my feelings, you should not think that I want to hear only a sugar-coated truth or something encouraging. I want what I'm asking for. I want you to not be afraid to tell me that you have a problem with me.
You're probably thinking, "Oh, most people don't really want that. And those that say they do are fooling themselves."
I'm not. I know exactly what I'm asking for. I've been through lots of bad situations, so, though it may hurt to hear something that I don't want to hear, I know the fastest way to move past a problem is to know when there's a damn problem.
Don't be afraid to yell at me. Don't be afraid to tell me when I'm freaking you out.
I know myself. I know I do it. I know I'm not always the best judge of boundaries. I know I can be a bit much at times. I'm an obsessive and a paranoid, and I'm about as plain as I can be about that. Tell me the truth. I can't read your mind. And if you don't tell me what the problem is, I'll guess it's a million other problems and fix those.
When I ask if I'm calling too much, this is your cue to tell me I am calling too much.
If you don't want to see me, don't wait until I'm at the fucking exit, three minutes away from you, before you cancel. Tell me the day before, when I ask you if this is a good idea, that you don't think it's a good idea. If I give you an out, I know I'm giving you an out. If you want to take it, take the out.
If you have a problem with being direct, then we have a problem. Discussion is the key to assuring that we end up on the same page. Discussion is the key to assuring that I don't overthink situations to a paranoid degree. I know I'm an unreliable source, so I go to you, the person who would know if we actually had a problem and that I wasn't overthinking things, to tell me if everything's square. If you don't tell me when I ask you, how are avoidance, denial and silence the best course of action for anyone?
Sure, it helps you avoid an uncomfortable chat, but it keeps me in the dark about a bad yet solveable problem.
My friend Steve said he's always understood this about me, and one of the reasons we've been able to weather fights and troubles in our friendship is because he's never been afraid to yell at me, he said. He's direct. He doesn't beat around the bush or try to keep quiet about something, hoping the situation will rectify itself. He's not mean, but he's not afraid of alienating me.
"I have a problem," he has said. "You're calling me too much."
"I've never given you any indication that it's worthwhile for you to flirt with me," he has said. "Please stop it."
Regarding one of my essays, he didn't comment on it being any good, so I called him because I was curious about what he thought. This was the best thing Steve has ever said to me, and it's probably because he didn't let his silence speak for itself.
"If I'd had anything good to say about your essay, I would've said it," Steve said.
That hurt for a moment. But it helped me.
This is what I need from people, regarding my writing and regarding my life. I don't know if it's because I'm used to newspaper editors telling me that something I wrote was shitty and needed to be redone, but I respond moreso to that then, "Oh, not really, but, um, ... no, nevermind," when I ask if there's a problem.
My former friend Dax, at the end of our friendship, told me too late that things were bothering him. When I gave him a blunt opinion about something he'd written, he secretly wanted me to sugar-coat it, and I didn't.
So he got mad. And he told me everything that had been bothering him for weeks and weeks. And then he told me that he had a problem with journalists and editors who didn't coddle people or consider their emotions before telling them the truth about their writing. And he ended our friendship, which apparently wasn't as strong as I thought it was (because he didn't tell me what was wrong when it first bugged him).
Yes, I caused a lot of the problems between Dax and I. Yes, I should be better about boundaries. Yes, it would be nice if I knew how to notice problems without being told about them. Yes, it would be better if I were able to relax more.
But I know myself well enough to know that I'm not perfect and that I can cause problems.
So give me the blunt, honest truth when I ask for it. Even if it hurts. I can only fix a problem if I'm completely aware of it.
You may not be able to do this sort of honesty. Most people may not want it. But I'm not most people.
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