What I Have Now.

To concentrate on the bright parts about my upcoming move, I've decided to make a list of what I have that I didn't have the last time I tried moving into Atlanta in 1999 when I went to work for CNN.

1. Family of friends. I've got people looking out for me now, wanting the best for me. I've got people who like to hear from me everyday, who include me in their family gatherings and make me feel like I belong. They stand by me when things are good, and they listen to me and occasionally offer to help when things are bad. I'm there for them if they need me, and I offer them my loyalty and care. I share my wealth of stories with them, and they provide me with new ones.My friendships are much stronger than they were in 1999. I've let people in, and things are better because of it.

2. Less reliance on family. Thanks to the horror of July 5, 2001, I no longer rely so much on my mother or her husband to provide me with assistance. My mother is helping me start packing tonight, which will be good though I am sure she's going to include a guilt trip in the midst of the preparation, but at least she's getting to help out.

3. More job security. Things have been going well at both McGraw-Hill and Barnes & Noble for a while now, so I shouldn't worry too much about whether I'll be completely jobless. Knock on wood. Also, after spending this much time working in a corporate environment, I've gotten good at staying out of trouble while continuing to be myself.

4. Myself. I have a yellow belt in Choi Kwang Do. I've survived incident after incident and been able to write about it. I know that I need therapy and medication to keep myself from being completely depressed. I know that the best way to stop feeling lonely is to keep busy and surround yourself with people. I know better my own wants and needs - and how to tell the difference between the two. I know my weaknesses, and I'm working on them. I know I can survive and thrive amid chaos. I know I need a home that I want to spend time in, for things get messy at my house now because I don't want to be there and am never there.

This is the start of a new chapter, I told Kacoon last night. I'm getting out of Buford, moving to a place where I want to be. Everything will be fine.