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My friend Jenipher and I have once again begun our annual conversation about
Legolas, the powerful, blond elf from THE LORD OF THE RINGS. Jenny tells me that
she feels Aragorn would beat him hands down in a fight, though I told her that
Legolas' elfin longevity and quick skills with an arrow would likely serve him
well. She disagreed.
From that, she said Legolas would win in a fight with Aragorn if Aragorn had
turned evil, only because Gandalf would likely come to Legolas' aid in that
scenario.
Jenipher then decided to say that Legolas, whether good or evil, would soundly
defeat Harry Potter in a duel, for Harry Potter is a mere child.
In a battle to the death, I told her that Aragorn would likely defeat both
Legolas and Connor MacLeod (of the Clan MacLeod) from HIGHLANDER, gathering up
all of their strengths as immortals because "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!" I felt as
though Aragorn would probably take the most risks, be the best swordsman and be
the hands-down coolest of the three of them in a fight.
Jenipher countered by telling me that Rainbow Brite was more fashionable than Jem
and the Holograms, but I disagreed with her. I thought Jem was truly outrageous,
whereas all Rainbow Brite did was ride around on that silly unicorn all day. I
told her that there was no way that the average person could buy a unicorn and
echo Rainbow Brite's fashion sense, whereas it would be easier to follow trends
set by Jem.
If the Autobots took on the Thundercats, I think the Autobots would win, for
they have the most firepower available to them in a battle situation. Plus, I
believe they're capable of intergalactic warfare. Granted, if the Thundercats
managed to secure themselves inside their giant cat fortress, I think they'd
have a better chance of winning the battle against the Autobots. If the
Decepticons took on the Thundercats, I believe the good of the Thundercats would
prevail.
I feel anyone could defeat COBRA Command. After all, COBRA doesn't know how to
shoot, has never proven its competence on the battlefield and, sadly, has to
wear those silly smocks covering their mouths. They'd be easy to confuse, I
feel.
I'd pick the Smurfs over the Snorks any day of the week, unless the fight took
place underwater where all the Smurfs would drown after a time. If however, the
fight took place at the neutral site of Fraggle Rock, I believe the Smurfs would
acclimate themselves quickly and kill off all the Snorks. (Do Snorks have both
gills and mouths? What is it with that pipe on the top of their heads?)
With that in mind, I propose the following resolution to those who can
understand it or those who have been otherwise bored with the list-serve.
Be it hereby resolved:
In a no-holds-barred battle to the death, the Ewoks would easily triumph over
the Care Bears, slaughtering them in their rainbow-colored happy world, despite
the Care Bears' use of magic and joy.
_____________
This was written by friend Kyle in reply:
_____________
Recently, Brother Carr placed the following resolution on the cyber-floor:
Be it hereby resolved, in a no-holds-barred battle to the death, the Ewoks
would easily triumph over the Care Bears, slaughtering them in their
rainbow-colored happy world, despite the Care Bears' use of magic and joy.
It seems fairly self-evident that the Ewoks could beat up the Care Bears in a
straight-up, head-to-head smackdown. However, I must oppose the resolution for
two reasons, based upon the wording of the measure.
First of all, while I believe the Ewoks would triumph, Brother Carr has
qualified his contention with the adverb 'easily.' I believe the Ewoks would
find it tougher sledding than Brother Carr surmises.
Shortly after the release of 'Return of the Jedi' in 1983, George Lucas
remarked in an interview that, when he came up with the concept for the Ewoks,
he based them partly on the Viet Cong. In the Vietnam war, an imperial power
lost to a guerrilla insurgency because, despite the empire's superior firepower,
its weapons were not designed for the sort of fighting required to combat small,
mobile units which struck quickly and silently before vanishing into their
native jungle. It is not difficult to see how this played out in the film, with
the Ewoks tripping up the technologically sophisticated Empire.
However, the Care Bears would have many of the same advantages as the Ewoks.
They are small, mobile, and unencumbered by the complex weaponry which the Ewoks
were able to thwart and exploit. (Please note that Brother Carr's resolution
says the Ewoks would defeat the Care Bears 'in their rainbow-colored happy
world.' The fact that the combat would occur on the Care Bears' turf is
relevant, since the Ewoks' victory over the imperial stormtroopers is
attributable largely to home field advantage.) Granted, the Care Bears are
annoyingly cute and cuddly, which could not possibly be advantageous in combat,
yet the Ewoks have the similar impediment of being designed for the kiddie
plush-toy market.
In addition, the Care Bears have the advantage of superior knowledge of
history. Although the Ewoks and the Care Bears both were products of 1980s
popular culture, the Ewoks are culturally isolated and ignorant; bear in mind
that the events in 'Return of the Jedi' occurred a long time ago in a galaxy
far, far away. The Care Bears were contemporary, so their historical awareness
extends at least as far as Ronald Reagan's first term in the White House.
Accordingly, the Care Bears have information the Ewoks do not possess, and---as
Brother Gerson will tell you---intelligence is crucial in military strategy.
The Care Bears could catch the Ewoks off guard by unveiling their superior
knowledge. For instance, they could show the Ewoks movie stills from portions
of the 'Star Wars' films which antedated the arrival of the Ewoks on the scene
and ask such questions as: 'If the Force is so strong and they're brother and
sister, why didn't the Force prevent them from kissing on the lips in the first
movie?' and, 'Since you're little and furry, shouldn't your god be Chewbacca,
who's big and furry, instead of C-3PO, who looks like an effeminate Oscar?' and,
'You know that princess you rescued? Well, have you seen these pictures of her
in the gold bikini?'
These advantages would not spare the Care Bears from the whooping they so
richly deserve, but it would give them enough of an advantage to prevent the
Ewoks' victory from being obtained 'easily.'
Secondly, Brother Carr does not use the more traditional playground
formulation---e.g., 'I bet the Brady Bunch could beat up the Partridge
Family'---but rather proposes 'a no-holds-barred battle to the death.' This is
a necessary premise of the resolution, yet I reject it utterly as logically
faulty. The Care Bears are way, way too wimpy to ever take part in a 'battle to
the death,' and there is no particular evidence that the Ewoks are capable of
taking a life in battle. (They pestered the stormtroopers but did them no real
harm.)
Please remember, we are talking about the 1980s here. Good guys didn't kill
people in the movies or on T.V. in the 1980s. Apart from shooting the fellow
with the sword (which was only inserted into 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' because
Harrison Ford was too ill that day to take part in the scripted sword-and-whip
duel), Indiana Jones mostly just pulled stuff out of people's hands with a whip.
Nick Nolte may have shot Ganz at the end of '48 Hours,' but Eddie Murphy didn't
kill much of anybody in three 'Beverly Hills Cop' movies. Thomas Magnum of
'Magnum, P.I.' carried a gun, but the only guy he ever shot was the Russian
agent who tortured him in Vietnam, and that was only after the Russian agent
killed the chubby sidekick from 'Tales of the Gold Monkey' in a two-part
episode. In four 'Superman' movies, Christopher Reeve not only didn't kill any
villains, he turned back time to save Margot Kidder (bad call there, dude) and,
in the truly awful 'Superman IV,' he turned into such a pacifist pansy that he
rid the world of nuclear weapons. Those emblematic '80s icons, the A-Team,
caused the bad guys' cars to roll over and unleashed hails of machine-gun fire,
but none of the foes they bested ever had a scratch on them. Any shows of force
in the films of that era were edited out afterwards, as when the rifles in
'E.T.' became walkie-talkies and Han Solo's pre-emptive strike became an act of
self-defence after Greedo fired first.
Admittedly, the bad guys got away with murder: Sylvester Stallone had a
pretty high body count, but John Rambo started out as a dark anti-hero, and
California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger was the villain in 'The
Terminator.' There were no battles to the death in '80s popular culture, at
least among heroes; there were only Rubik's cube races. The Ewoks could not
beat the Care Bears in a battle to the death, because, if such a battle were
scheduled, neither set of pint-sized marketing ploys would show up for the
showdown.
For the foregoing reasons, I oppose the resolution. I yield the cyber-floor.
TKK
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