"We'll gather at the Road House with our Next of Kin."

Oh my God, my friend Jenipher's gifts arrived at my apartment, and she's completely outdone herself this year. I mean, seriously, this is better than the year she made her own wrapping paper out of photos of Jude Law!

This year, she made me a holiday-themed dub CD - featuring the ROAD HOUSE-inspired MST3K carol, "A Patrick Swayze Christmas." It's terrific. Absolutely terrific. It was, apparently, written by Crow T. Robot of MST3K. I mean, that song alone, which takes its lyrics directly from the film, would've been enough to match my gifts to her.

But there's more on the CD. The Muppets singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is a highlight. No Doubt's "Oy To the World" is also good. And Dido's beautiful ballad, "Christmas Day," is featured. I'm listening to it right now.

And, best of all, she also sent me a DVD!!!! The note on the wrapping for the DVD said it would be the "most embarassing gift ever," so I thought I was prepared for whatever joke it was.

But nothing could've prepared me. This was the funniest thing EVER. I unwrapped it, and it was a compilation of episodes from the Cinemax series, EMMANUELLE IN SPACE. (Jenipher and I used to call each other when it was on in the middle of the night, and we would make fun of it together, laughing out loud.)

EMMANUELLE IN SPACE, for those who haven't read my Amazon review of it, is soft-core heterosexual porn about a woman who is abducted by a group of attractive aliens and is asked to teach them about human sex. And she does so, over and over again, for 15 episodes.

It stars the absolutely amazing, hilarious soap actress Krista Allen.

The DVD features four of the show's 15 episodes. And it also features the show's theme song, easily the worst theme song ever written.

"Emmanuelle, queen of the galaxy ... Emmanuelle, come lay here with me ..."

Apparently, Jenipher walked into a store and bought me space porn - albeit heterosexual space porn - but space porn, nonetheless. Thus, Jenipher is amazing.

Thanks to Jenipher, Patrick Swayze, the Muppets, Krista Allen and others, my Christmas has started getting better.