Abducted.

The following is an e-mail exchange between me and Jenipher, which took place today. I'm serious.
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From: rileymccarthy
To: Jenipher

I heard they might continue BATTLESTAR GALACTICA as a TV series after BATTLESTAR GALACTICA ends. So there might be more BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. I'm upset, though, that there will be no more TAKEN, as TAKEN was the greatest thing to ever air on the Sci Fi Channel. I want that DVD so bad, but it's, like, $100. And even I have my limits.
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From: Jenipher
To: rileymccarthy

"Taken" was good, but it was TOOOOOOO LOONNNNGGGGGGGGG.
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From: rileymccarthy
To: Jenipher

If your great-grandmother had sex with an alien and your father's descendants had all been perennial abductees of an alien race and YOU were chosen to be the next development in evolution, don't you think it would take two weeks to tell your story, particularly if the evil people in another family were constantly hunting after you?
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From: Jenipher
To: rileymccarthy

Yes, I realize it takes a long time. I'm not saying I didn't like it...I was simply pointing out the obvious. It was long.
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From: rileymccarthy
To: Jenipher

Because you point out the obvious, the aliens would never select you or any member of your family to be at the beginning of a superior race. So there.
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From: Jenipher
To: rileymccarthy

Are you saying my family isn't good enough to be abducted by aliens?
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From: rileymccarthy
To: Jenipher

I'm saying that, if your family was ever abducted by aliens, they'd only be probed a couple times and then thrown back. If me or one of the other members of the Jeffery family were abducted by aliens, we'd be recognized immediately as superior stock. We'd be used in experiment after experiment. Your family, because you're all German-ish, Wisconsinite dorks, would be rejected by more discerning aliens because, to be honest, y'all are tacky, and aliens wouldn't want to swim in your gene pool.
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From: Jenipher
To: rileymccarthy

Your white trash, inbred, hick folk wouldn't last a second when the aliens come. They would immediately destroy you and your Buford Dam-livin' kin.

I mean, come on, there's a reason the Germans called themselves the master race. Combine that with the lovable confusion of the Polish and the endearing Dutch with their little wooden shoes and I am the perfect mix of nationalities.
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From: rileymccarthy
To: Jenipher

Those people at Buford Dam are not my family. My mother just made some bad choices, that's all. I'm sure the aliens would be willing to overlook it. I mean, it's not like the aliens haven't made mistakes. (Besides, the aliens frequently abduct the more entertaining people of the human race from trailer parks, so I'm sure my mother's dalliances with rednecks would be seen as quaint by a visiting flying saucer.)

The aliens wouldn't want you. You and your associates would want to borrow the flying saucer so that you could do extra shopping at IKEA, filling up all the available storage pods on board with pastel-heavy, pseudo-European, collapsible furniture.

I can just see you now, squealing, "Oh wow, look at all the closet space they've given me in exchange for making me the queen of all the Human Test Subjects! Hey, Zaktoz, can you park this hovering baby by the Gurney Mills Target one more time?!!!"

Even those aliens from EMMANUELLE IN SPACE wouldn't pick you!
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From: Jenipher
To: rileymccarthy

Now you've gone too far. The EMMANUELLE IN SPACE aliens would so want me. I'm irresistible. But they couldn't have me...that would give me power over all of them and then I would rule the alien world and the human world once it's conquered. And, yes, they would fly me to Target if I demanded it.