You take the good, you take the bad.

Last night, I talked with Black about how some things are good now and some things are bad now.

I wrote a book sorta. Good.
I bought a computer. Good.
I did a reading of one of my essays. Good.
I had visitors over to my apartment. Good.
I am planning a dinner party tonight. Good.
I almost hooked up with Ash, the cradle-robbing, cousin-dating poet ex-boyfriend who used to think he was god of his own universe and believes in the religion of "poemology," and I did so to try and get over bizarro sexual hang-ups resulting from childhood sexual abuse. Oh, and I did this all on Halloween, the eighth anniversary of my first kiss with Ash. Bad.

Miss Gibson, going over a list similar to this (because you wouldn't BELIEVE all the things I have done since Thursday), referred to me as "her hero" in an e-mail today.

I couldn't sleep last night because I was busy catching up on my GILMORE GIRLS and 24, and I realized that my computer had arrived at the front office of my apartment complex and was waiting for me. (It's in a box in my trunk now, for I picked it up before I arrived at work. And I arrived at work late because I way overslept before getting here.)

Black and I talked about all sorts of things last night.

(I called him from a grocery store, which led to its own amount of comedy. Hearing the self-checkout voice prompt me on placing items in the bag, he said he felt like I was dealing with HAL 9000 in "2001.")

Anyway, we came to some conclusions.

Life is hard. Even when you do well at it, it's still difficult to get through it. Sometimes, though you lapse and make a mistake or take the easy way out or take a shortcut that's inadvisable, you just have to believe you're worth the effort of getting through rough spots.

I called Black knowing what I should do about Ash, which is to leave him be and build a strong, trusting relationship with someone new (because that's the only real way beyond my hang-ups), and he gave me assurance and told me to believe in myself. He told me that he has lapses in judgment, too, and that it's hard - when someone bad is presenting themselves to you as an option and your only option is remaining alone - to make the right choice. But you have to have faith that things are going to be better.

I'm not out of the woods yet. But things aren't all bad. And everything is going to be all right.