Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Upset beyond reason.

My mood, because of the election, my finances and my lack of both sleep and anti-depressant medication, is lousy today. I went to the bank on my lunch break, and Kevin-the-Happy-Guy-Who-Wants-Me-to-Set-Up-a-Home-Loan asked me how I was doing.

I glared at him. If I could've beamed deadly lasers from my eyes, grinning Kevin would've been split in half.

I'm not moping. I'm not sulking. But I'm frustrated with myself and complaining a whole hell of a lot. To a melodramatic degree.

The election has upset me far more than is reasonable. And I've been alienating friends all day, so I think this funk might be medication-related.

Jenipher, discussing the possibility of someone's sham marriage with me, mentioned that marriage was sacred and meaningful. And she incurred my election-anger wrath for that, then called me the most cynical person she knows.

I wrote her about struggle and darkness being at the center of adult life. She told me to read Thomas Hobbes.

Lupo heard about some of my latest shenanigans and suggested that we talk about it over the weekend, but I told him that I didn't want to frustrate him with an analysis of my behavior and lack of general motivation. I told him instead that he should work on his dissertation, which sounds like it's going to be really good.

Another friend, incidentally, tried to cheer me up about the election, as if me being cheerful were somehow going to happen today. I told her I wanted to leave this poor excuse for a country, which upset her. She voted for Bush.

My mom told me that she was sorry she missed me at her house yesterday. I went there for five minutes after I voted to check my cell phone's messages. My stepfather, in that time, got her on the phone and told her that I was there. So she headed to the house with my brother's fiancee Samantha in the hope that we could all get something to eat.

But they missed me. After checking my messages, I hit the door and didn't even say goodbye to my stepdad - which shouldn't surprise anyone.

My time watching the election results was actually fun. I went to my friend Wes's house in Buford (since that's where I'm registered to vote), spent time with him, picked up food and watched things unfold until 11 p.m.

Then I drove back home and realized I'd not taped "Gilmore Girls." (I'm not having good VCR luck this week.)

My stomach is feeling a little woozy right now, maybe because my meal with Wes consisted of Chick-Fil-A sandwiches, something from Cinnabon and two bottles of fat-free NesQuik. So I called in sick to the store.

(I'd like to be able to rest, but I'll probably head to the used DVD store to sell some stuff so that my rent check won't overdraw me.)

I'm NOT AT ALL fit to deal with the public. So I called in sick to the bookstore.

I've been saying for two weeks now that everything in my life feels compromised and that I'm not focusing on my own happiness as a goal.

I keep saying that. And saying that. And saying that.

I really fucking hate myself right now. I probably should take a nap.

When is my own fucking happiness going to matter to me?

No comments: