Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Kick the ballistic Santa Claus.

For some reason, a New Kids on the Block holiday rap song echoed in my head over and over last night.

I was sitting at Steak 'n' Shake around midnight, having myself some cheddar fries (which I should never, ever eat, no matter how good they are), and I realized that they were playing songs on the loudspeaker from my favorite Christmas album ever: "A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector."

The album is filled with '60s pop-rock Christmas classics from people like Darlene Love and The Ronettes, and songs from it play routinely on the radio this time of year. The song playing last night was "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," featuring a solo from, I think, Ronnie Spector, who has one of the greatest, most distinctive voices in pop music history.

Even if you've never heard of the album, you've probably heard several of the Motown-ish songs on it.

Washing down the cheddar fries with a fountain-made, syrupy "Diet Cherry Coke," which is delicious and is TOTALLY not diet at all, my mind started to wander.

"Wow, a Christmas gift from Phil Spector used to be such a great thing," I thought to myself. "Nowadays, a gift from Phil Spector would involve a bullet to the head."

Then, I started to think about bad Christmas pop music that's no longer available - and how we can all be thankful for that.

And I remember when I was in eighth grade and was under the impression that "This One's For the Children" by New Kids on the Block was a good song. Seriously.

What horrible thing was done to my generation? Why, why, why would we embrace a Christmas power ballad sung by eunuchs?

The B-side of that cassingle, now likely gathering dust in my mother's basement, was the NKOTB Christmas rap song, "Funky Funky Xmas." That was the song stuck in my head last night.

It is, in all likelihood, one of the worst, most egregious, self-indulgent, ridiculous, badly conceived, badly performed and badly written holiday songs ever, ever made. Ever.

Here are two verses of the rap, conveniently featuring the names of every one of the New Kids (except Donnie, who delivered the rap) and some unique holiday sentiments:

Have a funky funky Christmas, have a funky funky Christmas.
New Kids On The Block, let's rock, it's Christmas time.
We're gonna celebrate it with a rhyme.
Danny D, are you ready? - Ready as I'll ever be
Steady - you know, Joey Joe is ready
Jordan and Jon, yeah, come on, we got a funky, funky Christmas going on.

Have a funky...
Funky Christmas and a funky new year, I swear we got ourselves a party here
Girls on the floor. North Side Posse at the door.
Should I stop - nah cool - here's more of this song, a funky Christmas melody
'cause Jordan K feels so Christmasy
Throw your hands in the air - pause - kick the ballistic Santa Claus

I used to put this song on dub tapes for people every holiday. No one could believe that I would actually own up to having it in my collection.

It helps for me to remember buying it when I want to mock someone buying Kenny G or Lou Bega.

Which happens a lot when you work retail over the holidays.

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