Monday, June 06, 2005

Standing here solidly on my own two hands and going crazy.

My "insanity" comes to me on occasion, in waves, and it keeps me from sleeping. It hit me yesterday, and it's affected my mood today. It's passing now, but please keep talking to me. My mind tends to wander, and I get sorta paranoid.

It starts when I, for some reason, can't get my mind off of some slight that happened to me or some small thing that I did to someone 10 or 20 years ago.

Like when I told my friend John Thurman that it wasn't a good idea to come as a "Christian witness and Bible study guide" to the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Student Union meeting in college and then asked him if he was in the closet. Or when I told my art teacher in the fourth grade that none of the students liked her, which caused her to cry and run to the principal's office.

Where are these people now? Why do they even matter to me? They're not thinking about me. Why am I wasting my energy thinking about them?

Then I wonder the cause of it, fearing that it might be envy or dissatisfaction with my own life.

I remember that, as part of my therapy, I'm learning to let things go and let people go and let past slights go and let myself focus on the future.

It's maddening to think you're backsliding ever. Or to think that you're never going to be the person that you wanted to be.

Last night, I was watching the Tonys, and I started to envy the people who got to kiss and openly acknowledge their "partners" in public. And I had to remind myself that, um, I don't want or need that. And, if it happens, it happens.

And I'm fine. I hate having to remind myself that I'm fine.

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