The how.

I wrote a couple days ago about how my friend Larry told me that he felt my blog was a waste of my writing talents. He's been telling me for years to publish these ramblings I used to send him in forms of personal essays, complaint e-mails, occasionally published columns and blog entries. He's had me read things at some of his parties. (My shocking, arguably well-written account of child molestation - read with Larry's approval - left his guests at a wine-and-cheese party STUNNED, and my Waffle House story roused the drunkards at another party into laughing inappropriately, wishing that Larry had instead hired a stripper.)

When I think about being a published writer, I can't actually fathom it happening. I don't think I'm very good at it. I don't think I say anything particularly original. I think that my life is gigantic mess most of the time, and I don't think that my problems are the sort that other people couldn't easily overcome. In fact, much of the time I feel like people reading what I have to say would understandably dismiss me as some whiny, immature little bitch. But others who do read what I write say that they find me entertaining.

I don't see me having a book. I don't see me having a screenplay made. I don't see it happening. I'm scared, as well, that it won't. So I don't know what my goal is. I don't know how I just buckle down and write the damn thing if I haven't been able to do so thus far.

Larry, of course, says that my stuff is publishable already. But he's wrong. It's non-narrative, too short, self-indulgent and unfocused.

Additionally, I can't stop writing it. I can't see a movie and, if it doesn't impress me, think that I could do better. If I find out that some 19-year-old has written a book, I check it out at my bookstore and, more often than not, think I can do better.

But I don't. But I should. And I have time to either do or don't do it.

I don't like my job. I don't like doing there in the morning and sleepwalking through it. I don't like that I'm not looking for another one.

I don't like that I'm not writing something more substantial and interesting. I don't like being on the fence, even when I'm showing a moment of self-esteem, about my own ambitions.

Shouldn't I be all gung-ho about my writing if I'm going to get published? Shouldn't I be "It'll happen no matter what YOU say" to naysayers about it? Shouldn't I be Kevin Bacon to the churchgoers in FOOTLOOSE, with a "Gotta Dance!" attitude about my writing? I mean, I shouldn't be one of the naysayers, right? I should just do it.

I'm bringing my computer with me to London. I don't know what I expect from that. I know it's silly to want this trip to change my life. But I want this trip to change my life.

I want to change my life.