The part where it doesn't pay to be an anxious, medicated obsessive.

I don't like the "dating" area that Steven and I have apparently entered: the one where we determine whether he wants to go out on a date with me. I've gotten the follow-up phone calls, which I think I managed this time better than usual. I tried not to call him too much, though I called him today sounding sorta stressed when I found out my stepbrother's wife gave birth this weekend. (My reasoning behind this phone call was the fact that I was there for him this week when he was crying over his parents - though I know that you want your dates to not have as many issues as you, however unrealistic that is. I thought, maybe, he could be there for me the same way. Because my stepbrother's wife was in the hospital, my mom was unavailable. And I'd already used up my phone call of the weekend to Lupo. And Eric, Kacoon and Vic were unavailable. And I assumed Marley was busy.)

He called back "because I sounded distressed," spoke with me for a couple minutes to assure I was fine and then told me he'd call in "a couple days."

I don't think I'm ever going to see him again. We've had two or three phone calls, and I'm not getting a promising vibe anymore. Of course, that could change with the next phone call.

That's why I hate this part. It hinges on a phone call.

I'm nuts. This is doomed.

If Steven were someone I just wanted to be friends with - which might be a welcome change or something that I could better handle, then I don't think that I would govern my behavior so steadily or think and think and think about it. I would just call. I would invite. I would discuss.

I haven't even had a real conversation with Steven beyond our first night's meeting. I'd like to get to know the guy.

I'm stressed out unnecessarily, and it's been a damn week. I can't do this. I'm not good at it.

I jumped the gun again, getting excited over a guy before getting to know the guy. That's why, I think, I would prefer to fall for someone I already know.

Black and I talked earlier this weekend, and we talked about that. It's easier to find yourself attracted to certain aspects of friendships - safer places to feel attracted - than to put yourself out there into the fucking black hole of second-guesses, disappointments and bullshit that is dating new people.

Vic told me tonight that I just deserved credit for putting myself out there. She told me that I didn't know that many functional couples because good relationships are difficult, hard work.

I was asking her how on earth people were able to manage through this sort of thing. I mean, if I cannot get through the minutae of how to reconnect with someone after one date or one hookup without stressing or going through anxiety, then how do I pull through something that lasts?

Maybe this is an unnecessary post. Maybe he and I will go on a date. Maybe we'll go on two.

But I'm not getting that vibe from the minute-long phone call. Because Steven said he only called me because I sounded upset, like Crocker used to do. I don't want a person who only calls me when something's wrong. I don't trust that.

Oh, and if he knew that I was thinking this much about it, he wouldn't want to talk to me, anyway.

This is too fucking difficult. And nothing's really happened.

I need to relax. I need perspective.

Anyway, the night ended on an up note. Getting a call from her, I went to Vic's house tonight and watched a really great Super Bowl. And I stopped thinking about myself and had fun. Also, I got to page 40 on ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF SOLITUDE.

I'm glad I got out of my apartment.

But I suck at dating.