If something goes wrong, I'm the first to admit it ... but the last one to know.

If you don't read this one, I don't mind. I'm posting it for myself.

I have no money. None. Well, almost none. I don't have enough this week, due both to fewer working hours at the store and pending bills, to cover a payment on the electric bill I forgot and still survive the week with gas money, funds for food and any bills that may come due in the meantime. It's going to be a lean week, perhaps the leanest week I've ever had in my history of "When times were bad ..." finances.

I've been proud and stupid. (For example, I wouldn't have gone on that non-date if I'd been more aware of my true finances at the time. But I was keeping myself intentionally in the dark, instead choosing to focus on the positives of having a good time with a new friend. But I shouldn't have done it.) The circumstances that led me to this situation were entirely my fault, and I'm very, very mad at myself about this. At the same time, I'm worried, ashamed and ... strangely hopeful that some new solution will eventually come to me.

Mostly, I'm just scared. I'm trying to keep myself busy so that I don't think about it. I'm trying to keep myself quiet, so I don't talk about it too much. (Marley's heard about it. Last night, I talked to Katt at the bookstore about it, and I asked Bonnie the Math Teacher about it over e-mail, not going into specifics beyond, "OK, I messed up with money." I talked to my mom about it, and she sounded justifiably annoyed at me. I've only gone into specifics with my mother.)

People see their way through these situations and get past them. I will. I'm not going to die over this. It's just money.

I can't talk to my therapist about it because I can't afford to pay for a session, which feels like it'd be a catch-22 if it wasn't actually all my fault and didn't feel funny.

I don't want help. I want a solution. I want to come up with my own solution.

And I want to learn from this. I want this not to happen again. Or, if it does, I want to foresee it, so that I can stall it or lessen the impact.

I need to be better organized about it. The Internet has helped me to be more aware of it, but I'm still making mistakes.

I don't want a spouse who can help me solve it. I don't want an inheritance. I don't want my mother's money. I don't want to borrow money from friends, with the friends telling me to pay them back "when I've sold one of my essays - which I need to publish."

I want faith in myself.

I'm going to London next month. This is going to be amusing. I keep thinking that maybe I shouldn't go, that I don't deserve it because I was irresponsible with money. If I have to be bailed out of this, I'm going to cry again. I already cried once. I don't want to talk about this.

I can sell some DVDs. That'll help me solve it. That'll get me over the hump. For the time being. I've volunteered for all available bookstore hours. I have peanut butter and jelly, so I'll be fine. (Actually, I got depressed when I realized that PB&J makes me gain weight, not lose it. I thought of putting days of water-based fasting into my schedule, but then I realized I was just being melodramatic.)

You don't want to read about this. You want to read about boys. You want to hear about movies. Or you want to read about the really good time I had at Marley's today - having brunch, watching TV and working on her screenplay - which I'll write more about later.

Whether I keep it to myself or say it aloud, something is wrong, though. And I need to face it.

I figured admitting it here to myself - even if it didn't make for an entertaining read for everybody has financial woes and I know nobody likes to hear about someone else's - was a way of reminding myself that the problem isn't bigger than me, but it needs to be solved. By me.

I was so depressed about it today that I had to get dressed up in good clothes to put myself in a better mood, which always works. It's difficult to feel bad when you look good. (A piece of advice I once gave my friend Vic was, "If you're bummed but can't change your life, try changing your hair.")

Today I was well-dressed, and part of me was glad I'd done that. Another part of me felt like I was hiding from my problems, so I'm writing this here for myself.

I have problems. I don't want to hide from them.

This is not bigger than me. I will fix this.