Just in time for Valentine's Day, the shocking news now comes out that Ken and Barbie, dating since they met at a TV commercial shoot in 1961, have broken up, according to Mattel.
Rumors have been circulating, of course, since word of this massive celebrity breakup was leaked by their "business manager" in New York.
Luckily, we here at my blog have obtained an exclusive interview with Ken regarding the news.
_____
RILEY: Ken, how are you coping now that you and Barbie have decided to part company as friends?
KEN: I now feel like a stronger man. For some reason, during the years I gave myself over to that bitch, I felt somehow incomplete, as though I were not a full man. Barbie's a tough doll to be with, at times I honestly felt as though she were in control of our relationship. I felt ill-equipped to deal with her, to be honest. Like I was just one of her millions of accessories.
RILEY: So then you called an end to the relationship?
KEN: Yes. It was difficult yet necessary. I stopped by her Dream House over the weekend, lucky to catch her because she has all those jobs - at the hospital, as a fashion model and working part-time at McDonald's - and I told her that I wanted out. After that, she tossed her hair and threw a damn fit. Drama queen. The castrating bitch tried to control me again, throwing some of the shoes from her last collection at me, but I stormed out of there. I have had enough diva behavior to last me several lifetimes, let me tell you ...
RILEY: Oh, we can imagine.
KEN: That fake plastic bitch nearly put me into debt every Valentine's Day. All the ballgowns. All the necklaces. All the summer outfits. The dream homes. The convertibles. The VW Beetle painted pink to her goddamn specifications. This year, I couldn't take it. I swear, do you know how much effort it takes to find something new for her every year, something she doesn't already own? People keep comparing us to Ben and J.Lo, but ... let me tell you, that Affleck was lucky. At least, he escaped with his balls intact.
RILEY: This year, it's been said that Barbie's been out a couple times with a new fellow named Blaine, a doll-faced Australian surfer. Now, he's featured in her new advertising campaign. Is there any truth to these rumors? Did this have anything to do with your breakup?
KEN: Heh. I wouldn't believe those rumors. Barbie's actually spending most of her time now with her sister Kelly and old friends of hers, people from her rock star days.
RILEY: So then, the Blaine rumor is untrue?
KEN: Truth is, Blaine and I hang out a lot, and he was my chief confidante when things with Barbzilla turned sour. He's been there for me in ways that I never even expected, and I care for him a great deal. He and I actually plan on hanging out a lot more together now that Barbie's out of the picture, if you catch my drift.
RILEY: I think so. Are you saying that you and he will be "catching some waves" together?
KEN: (Laughing.) Let's just say that, even though Barbie's gone, my dance card is still full. Barbie's fans may be disappointed. But, in the long run, I couldn't be around such a spoiled girl - particularly one who either looks like an angel or a whore. If I wanted that, I would go after Christina Aguilera or one of the Bratz dolls. Believe me ...
RILEY: Yes, but you've been with Barbie for such a long time.
KEN: Trust me, it's not romance that kept her looking so young. The bitch has had work done.