An open letter to my secret love, Benno Furmann.

Dear Benno,

You and I have had some good times together, haven't we? I mean, even though my German is marginal at best and, outside of my fantasies, I believe you're actually heterosexual, we've had some pretty good times. Like the moment we fell in love, when I was watching THE PRINCESS AND THE WARRIOR for the first time and your lustful, beautiful glance looked at me - and me alone - and pierced my very soul. Or that time that Kacoon watched my copy of THE PRINCESS AND THE WARRIOR on DVD and said to me, "You're right. He's really, really good-looking." Remember the time I watched that crappy horror movie you did called ANATOMY and started laughing as you frolicked half-naked with the girls onscreen? You're such a good actor.

We'll always have those memories, my Benno. But our time together, at least for the moment, has to come to an end.

It's been ages, frankly, since I've seen you, and someone new, a guy named Cillian Murphy, has caught my eye. He's not nearly as beautiful as you, certainly. (I doubt a mortal man can be.) But he's pretty good-looking, even when he's killing people with a machete in 28 DAYS LATER. (He goes from being completely awful looking in that movie to really good looking, just by getting a haircut and shaving. You'd think he went on one of those makeover shows. What's most puzzling is that he managed to do a great job cutting his own hair, which you'd think he wouldn't be able to do or compelled to do since he's one of the few people left on Earth. I mean, who cares what your hair looks like then?) I figure Cillian and I will have ourselves a productive relationship. I mean, we speak the same language. He's British, and I've always gotten along so well with the Brits. (Oh Ewan and Jude, how you've grown since my tutelage ...)

Don't blame Cillian, Benno. This time had to come someday. I mean, you're in the new Heath Ledger movie about murderous priests. Didn't you see that Shannyn Sossamon was in it? Don't you realize that working with her is one of the few unforgivable sins in this world?

Nonetheless, Benno, you still hold a place in my heart.

Perhaps one day, mein Freund, we'll be together again.

I only pray you'll understand.

Auf wiedersehen,

Benj