ODE TO EDDIE BAUER GUY, as written in picture-book form.

Me like Him.
Me ask out.
Him not gay.
Oh wait, Him gay.
Him get Me to call.
Me call.
Me ask out.
Him not interested.
Me ask Him why Him make Me call.
Him want "friends."
Him can bang friends.
Him thinks Me cute.
Him thinks Me smart.
Him thinks Me funny.
Him implies that Me could be friend he bangs.
Him won't date.
Him will bang not date.
Me no want to compromise.
Me ask Him out again.
Him wants to "hang out."
"Hang out" sounds like date to Me.
Him sounds like non-committal, flaky jackass.
Me decide Me no much like Him.