Something I shouldn't say.

I wanted Ashley last night. I practically begged him. I did beg him. It was ridiculous. I wanted him to want me, and I think he might have. But he couldn't, so we didn't. And he left. And I don't know what's wrong with me. Or if anything's wrong with me. Or if I'm happy with him and mad at myself for pressuring him, or if I'm mad at him for leaving and for not just taking care fo me. It seems like it could've just been simpler if we'd just done it, but I don't know if I'm willing to accept him on those terms or if I would've wanted him as much if I could've had him. I've had him before. Why can't I have him now? I understand, yet it was like I was applying for an exception. He told me that I'd write about this in a journal and talk and talk and talk about it. And he told me that he wouldn't have to because he doesn't romanticize things the way that I do. To him, sex was something he just did after me, so much so that I don't even really count as a former partner. But that wasn't at all comforting. I wanted him.