I'd rather be writing.

So I've been writing less on the blog and fewer e-mails to friends because my new supervisor at work, my friend Ethan, wants me to make him look good. And I want to keep my job, rather than continue down the horrible, uninspired path that I've been going down for months. So Ethan told me to get my production up, cut my distractions down and actually arrive at work on time. These are all things that I had been able to do effortlessly, but lately it's become a bit of a strain to me.

My fear is that I just don't care anymore. I'd rather be writing, coming up with ideas, doing something productive, working to get published. Instead, I'm just slowly dying while making a living.

I know life is like this. I know that it's not always good. I know there are lots of people who'd rather be doing something else, going somewhere else to work. How, exactly, do I go from being one of the guys leading humdrum lives to one of the guys leading a charmed one? Which risks do I take to help me change paths, or am I already on the path to becoming a published, notable writer?

I've been lonely lately. Edmondson had dinner with me a couple days ago because I was depressed, sitting at my office long after everyone else had left. I was trying to get motivated to actually do something for my job - but I couldn't eke out even the smallest bit of energy to get it done.

I want to write the stories needed to finish "The Consequences of Falling." I want to compile my best essays into an understandable, cohesive collection. I want to do readings, develop a small enough fan base to get people excited about what I intend to say about things - whatever the hell that will be.

I'm not content with being ordinary. I guess that's the first stance I have to take - so I'm taking it, and it's not the first time I've said so.