Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Kacoon's TRANSPORTER theory. And other notes.

Kacoon and I regaled in the joy of all things Jason Statham last night at the Regal Medlock Crossing, where we laughed our asses off during the 8 p.m. screening of TRANSPORTER 2 and then discussed the finer points of the film afterward for about an hour.

We basically agreed that TRANSPORTER 2 paled in comparison to the hilarious original - and that Miss Broken English was much missed - but that TRANSPORTER 2 did live up to our low expectations.

Some points we discussed, from primary to secondary:

* Kacoon has decided that the TRANSPORTER series must've been written by racist homosexual pedophiles, even though I'm fairly certain that Luc Besson is heterosexual.

Her theory is contained herein:

a) Kacoon asserts the homosexual pedophile aspect because all of the women in TRANSPORTER 2 - especially the gun-toting, mascara-smearing, lingerie-wearing Pink-lookalike character that Kacoon nicknamed 'Crack Ho, the movie's pathetic excuse for T&A' - all seem to have the build of an emaciated 14-year-old boy. Additionally, when these skin-and-bones women like Amber Velveeta transparently throw themselves at The Transporter and/or pin his lusciousness against a wall and/or licks his face, he usually rebuffs them and does not even kiss them, saying things like "I respect you" or "I'm confused."
b) Kacoon suggests that the makers of the movie are racist because of the horrible, racist generalizations and inherently biased choices that The Transporter makes when dealing with ethnic people. In the first movie, when Miss Broken English Asian Stereotype was hungry, for instance, The Transporter quickly remedied her situation by making her a BOWL OF NOODLES and ... HANDING HER CHOPSTICKS instead of a fork. In TRANSPORTER 2, continuing her assertations, Kacoon pointed out the scene where The Transporter subdues an African-American assassin by beating the man to death with WATERMELONS on his fists. Oh, and this time, the white-suited, main Colombian villain was doing some impression of Ricardo Montalban, and Kacoon admits that she wasn't able to understand a word he said. I lied and said I only understood when he spoke of 'the finest Corinthian leather.' (Oh wait, we did understand when he said, "I ... am ... the ... antidote.") At the end of the film, when the dread-locked Jamaican cab drivers with bad teeth showed up as comic relief, Kacoon shook her hands at the screen.

(NOTE: The views expressed by Kacoon are her own and do not reflect the views of Riley McCarthy or those of us at the 'Life of Riley McCarthy' staff.)

* I think we both laughed out loud about seven times at TRANSPORTER 2, but we never laughed louder than we did when The Transporter flips his Audi in the air so that he can unhook the bomb attached to the bottom of it using a crane that he's driving by. We also laughed during the climactic plane crash, for neither one of the characters involved seemed particularly concerned that the plane they were on was crashing into the ocean.

* One of my favorite parts was when Crack Ho, in lust over having a gun in The Transporter's crotch during a lengthy, elaborate car chase, ho-hums about getting out of the car and says goodbye to him by dragging her tongue from his defined chin to his eye socket, like a grateful dog. Frankly, I completely don't blame her. I probably would've done the same thing. Kacoon was impressed when, after the movie, I re-enacted the scene by giving a speech and then licking my own entire arm.

* At several moments, while driving, The Transporter looks out the window - to the camera - and makes an "I'm the most kickass man on Earth" face. Midway through the film, I glanced away from the screen to Kacoon, did the same face, and she laughed and laughed.

* Five seconds after the cute little boy showed up onscreen at the beginning of the film, right after he delivered his first precocious, sweet line, I looked at Kacoon and said, "I want him to die." Kacoon cooed to me, "But he's so cuuuuuuuute." And I said, "Exactly."

* During the first car chase, I looked at Kacoon and said, "You and I have GOT to sign on as 'extras running out of the way of the car' in TRANSPORTER 3."

* During Amber Velveeta's slo-mo run toward the sealed refrigerator holding her son, I once again looked at Kacoon and did my own slo-mo run, like I did with the first movie.

- Kacoon and I decided that Jet Ski Girl, whom The Transporter quickly grabs by her bikini bottom and flips over his head into the seat behind him before commandeering her Jet Ski for a chase, was the luckiest woman character in the film and maybe the luckiest woman on Earth for getting to appear in that scene. Plus, she appears to be the only woman in the cast who was allowed to eat.

* Thanks to Lupo's prompting, Kacoon and I were able to cherish the one, brief moment when The Transporter takes off his shirt in TRANSPORTER 2. We hugged and sighed while gazing at the screen, knowing that this was the best the movie was going to get.

All in all, a fine time was had at TRANSPORTER 2.

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