What do you want?

My therapist asked me this. My thought is that we're all, to some degree, dissatisfied with our lives no matter who we are.

He said that was an existential dilemma that I had to solve for myself, and he asked me what I want.

From my life? From relationships? From my job?

I feel like I'm wasting my potential. And yet the way I behave doesn't really fit in with what I feel like I want, am capable of or deserve.

He said that I have an "integrity gap" between my goals, I think, and my day-to-day existence.

So I don't know how to fix that. And I'm the only one who can fix it. He said the trick is to get my goals and my actions to be "more congruent."

This is going to be tough.

I'm just throwing it out there because I don't know what to do about it. Or what I'll actually do about it.

Because it's hard to think yourself a loser when you secretly know you're not a loser even when you continue to treat yourself like a loser.

My therapist told me that I don't feel a responsibility to myself yet to make my life better. So I don't fix my situation.

Even though I know better, I don't believe my sometimes sorry existence is worth fixing.

I've not jarred myself into action yet.

I think I'm starting to hate therapy. It's adding layers to what I feared was my basic apathy.

And I'm confused. And you all probably are, too.