I don't want to be here today.

Friday night, I went home and tried to take a nap. Then, I ended up seeing OPEN WATER, which I think most people will hate but I kinda liked it.

Saturday night, I went to Gainesville and Duluth for my friend Vic's birthday party. At the point where I paid a $10 cover to get into Wild Bill's in Duluth only to spend the majority of time watching girls with breast implants in revealing tops ride a mechanical bull, I realized I was kinda uncomfortable and out of my element - though I don't know what exactly my "element" is.

By Sunday, Nick the Cute Waiter called to tell me that he'd successfully moved into his dorm and that he'd be at trivia on Tuesday. In my paranoia - added to the fact that I'd just woken up, I asked him if trivia captain Debi had prompted him to call me in an attempt to get me back to trivia after weeks of absence, not realizing what a stupid, paranoid thought that was.

At 4 on Sunday, I headed into the bookstore, even though I wanted to call in and say that I couldn't make it. I ended up there in a really, really bad mood.

I've decided that I want writing books to be my job, not that I wasn't aware of that notion before. But I realize that if I don't take the time to do it now - making it my job instead of these that I have - then my life, the way I keep living it, is wasted and meaningless.

I wanted more than anything not to be here today. It took a major effort to get out of bed this morning, which included me calling my mom at 8 in the morning and presenting her with my reasons and options for not wanting to work today.

My mom suggested I eat chocolate to boost my energy, pick up my mood and get here because I wouldn't end up writing or doing anything when I was at home and depressed anyway. She suggested, as she always does, that I increase the level of anti-depressants I take, because she apparently would prefer me to be blissfully numb to all this.

Then, she talked to me about grad school, and I told her that my GPA wasn't high enough to get in and, beyond that, it doesn't really solve the problem nor create a solution to it. It's just adding another step.

I have a meeting with Larry tonight. We're going to see about getting me a literary agent, what steps that involves. (I hope I just don't go over there and do laundry.)If they need examples of my writing, I was gonna pull stuff from the blog, though the idea for my first book comes from the arsonist I dated in college.

I think I can convince someone to let me write that book. And I think I need the discipline of treating it like it's my job to be able to actually get anything other than just "started" with it. I think once I have that discipline and time available, that a first draft might come easier. At this point, without it, I just doubt myself and mentally trip myself into doing nothing.

Poli Sci Guy offered to meet with me this week, as well. He's gotten some queries from agents about his political book, which he wrote and is revising while working only part-time for Barnes & Noble.