Friday, October 21, 2005

The return of the Ken. reported this news from Mattel today.

WHAT A DOLL!: Mattel announced Thursday that Ken is undergoing an extreme makeover in an attempt to win back Barbie. The couple ended their legendary 43-year romance two years ago amid rumors that Barbie had fallen for an Australian boogie boarder named Blaine. Ken's new look — described by insiders as only slightly less gay than usual — will be unveiled this spring.

We at Life of Riley McCarthy, who conducted a now-famous, exclusive post-breakup interview with the living doll, tracked down a newly blond Ken at a health spa, pictured above, in order to get the scoop on his extreme makeover and his exact intentions with Barbie.

RILEY: So, Ken, what's the deal? You're going back to her?

KEN: Looks like it, I guess. I'm not really allowed to comment. Maybe you should call my people. Or hers.


KEN: Oh yeah, I got into a lot of trouble with Mattel after my last chat with you. I didn't realize they wouldn't be behind my career without Barbie, but apparently I have a very limited shelf life when I'm single.

RILEY: You don't sound all that enthusiastic about returning to her, Ken. Tell the truth, is this more of a business thing?

KEN: Look, kid. I've tried dating around, keeping things casual, but my life - believe it or not - is much simpler when Barbie's in it. He-Man and I would go to the gym, then he'd take me up to Castle Greyskull to see his favorite sites on Eternia, but I didn't really care to live in a fantasy world with him, no matter how big his sword was. Besides, that damn Orko was annoying. I mean, who has a floating alien sidekick?

RILEY: What about someone else?

KEN: G.I. Joe was all about clandestine meetings and such. He'd say to me, "Look, no one can take our photo together. The army has a very strict policy about such things," so that didn't last long. After a couple nights where I had to dress up as COBRA Commander, that got old quick!

RILEY: Did you attempt to date any of the Bratz dolls or anything? Surely, they've got to be lower-maintenance than Barbie.

KEN: Those Bratz dolls are all kids. I'm way too old for them. Barbie and I dated for, like, 40 years before the breakup. Have you not done your research?

RILEY: But you look so young.

KEN: Yeah, well, wait until you see me this spring. Those makeover people are gonna work wonders for me.

RILEY: Do you think Barbie will take you back?

KEN: Sure, why not? Her people say that sales have gone down since she and I split, and that girl's all about making the money. She'll do whatever necessary to keep her two-story dream house and endless new fashions.

RILEY: But what about Blaine?

KEN: Um, Blaine ... well, things didn't work out for the two of us. He was all about catching waves and stuff, and I'm just beyond that. As for his relationship with Barbie, Blaine was last year's model. And I'm timeless.

RILEY: So you're not still upset with Barbie and her workaholic, shopaholic, glamaholic tendencies?

KEN: Time heals all wounds, kid. Time heals all wounds. Besides, Barbie, with all her faults, is a role model to Paris Hilton and breast-enhanced anorexics worldwide. That's power.

RILEY: So then this whole makeover maneuver is not about love.

KEN: Whoa, you're naive. Barbie and I aren't about love, and we haven't been for ages. This, my friend, is all about business.

RILEY: Oh, OK. Well, um, I have to ask, when they give you the makeover, will the nice people working their plastic magic see fit to endow you with some improvements?

KEN: Oh, probably not. Barbie wouldn't like me if I suddenly got all cocky.

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