I bought myself something this week, something I've wanted for years. I bought myself a Kindle on Amazon, something I've tried to save up for. I had money left over from paying off all my tax and credit debt, from borrowing against the 401K savings they tell you to not borrow against if you can at all help it. I thought the Kindle - or, you know, the act of actually having the Kindle after wanting it for long enough and trying to save for it for long enough - might make me a little bit happy. It might make me feel a little bit fulfilled. It might remind me of what it was like to inject some levity in my life. It might introduce some new chapter of my life, some happy chapter, some chapter where I know I worry too much and thus rectify the situation by worrying less - without, of course, worrying about worrying too much. So I bought the Kindle. And I've been reading books. And it's been a fun week.
It's not been a big week. I didn't take someone home with me or make out with someone in a bar. I didn't try some sexual position that I've never tried before. The lesson I was supposed to learn from this week's therapy session was about seeing other people's boundaries before I accidentally hurdle them, and I never think I do well with these lessons. But I'm working on it.
I wish friends I haven't spoken to would call me so that they could hear that I'm not miserable. I don't think I have that tone in my voice right now. I don't have big worries. I don't have big projects right now, either, but that's cool - because I have a Kindle to read and a house to unpack.
And if I kiss a new guy this week, it'll be OK. Or if I just watch some more IN TREATMENT this week at home, while petting the dog that's there, that'll be OK, too.
If life can't be big and happy, it's OK that it's small and happy. That's how I feel about it right now anyway.