Sunday, August 12, 2007

Something I wrote out by hand.

Written conversation I had with myself on a legal pad this morning.

I haven't seen Scotty in quite some time, at this point, so why is it that many of my thoughts throughout the day return to him? I know he's massively flawed, and I know that any attempt at contact with him would lead to another heartbroken experience.

Don't ask questions. You know what you find appealing. The level of comfort. The emotional closeness. The virtual guarantee of a good time in the moment.

Mostly, I think the thing that draws my brain to thoughts of Scott nowadays is fear. I fear that the incomplete, flawed, occasionally close, occasionally romantic and sometimes caring experience he offered me is the best I'll manage. When we're feeling vulnerable or needy, he and I have both turned to each other, despite knowing that it'll lead to another messy predicament, because it provided nice, real comfort. It was more comfort than we'd found with anyone else in recent years.

Is it too much to hope for the big, grand love experience no matter how old you are? The "comfortable" has become less of a comfort as I consider what ideal experiences and dreams I don't want to let go of yet. Scotty wanted perfect love, too. But we never saw that possibility within each other. We liked each other well enough. There were really great moments. But, all in all, there was no commitment ceremony in our future. (Hell, Scotty couldn't even manage a minor commitment. Eventually, seeking a label for whatever was going on between the two of us, I started calling him my "non-boyfriend" or "half-boyfriend" to denote - even in my head - that I hadn't wasted several months of the last year on "nothing in particular.")

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