The integrity gap thing.

I've lost my voice. Not literally. But I've lost my ability to speak for myself in my writing. I don't know what my direction is or where my ambition went or how to get it back.

But I will get it back. It's not gone for good.

I reread some of my blog posts from London, and I recognize my voice in those entries, which are fun and focused. I've had friends call me "charming," "engaging" and even "amazing" this week.

I don't get why I slept with my friend last week when I only sorta half wanted to do so. I don't know if that sort of action is going to lead me anywhere near where I want to be with my relationships or in my life.

But I'm trying not to "think about it" too much since that's, according to lots of people, my very problem.

I tried to update my resume last weekend only to discover that I'd already done so about a month ago. But the resume, as it stands, is really, really boring. It uses, and I don't know why this bothers me, a template that makes me seem tired, same-old.

I need to inject my life with energy, fun stories, fun happenings.

Ron and I went to a sneak preview of "Ray" this week, and that was really good. And he and I, when we stand in the line at Phipps Plaza to get into the screenings, now entertain ourselves in the meantime by getting milkshakes from Johnny Rocket's. I get a chocolate malt because I'm old-fashioned when it comes to dessert. Ron gets a chocolate-peanut butter milkshake, which he says is divine.

Edmondson is still trying to find out a way to break ties with his ex-girlfriend, but she ends up calling him again everytime he stops things with her. I told him that he may just like the drama of it. It gives him something to talk about. Because they broke up four months ago, and there's still a new story from them every week.

Miss Gibson - who is now a naturalized British citizen and I've already proposed to her, thank you very much - writes from London she enjoyed her weekend in Paris, that her mum's visit has gone well - mostly - but that they both have bad colds now and that she and CK have reached "I love you" stage in their relationship. This is good. (Although I did have to pick on her for use of the word 'mum' because Miss Gibson and her mother Mrs. Gibson have Ohio roots.)

Black is due in town tomorrow to attend the Georgia game. He and I are going to coordinate our first meeting, finally, after many tries - including the time that I up and took a 2 a.m. road trip to Birmingham only to sleep in a fleabag motel and drive immediately back.

Lately, I've tried reading "A Fan's Notes" by Frederick Exley, but it makes me doubt my abilities as a reader of complicated prose. I don't know if I can do it.

My high school reunion is October 15-16. So I've been taking Metabolife, even though it's bad for me.

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See what I mean? I've lost my voice. I fear this reads like a laundry list.

I'll get it back. I'll get it back.